Do you love chocolate? Ya do, don’t ya? You love it so much that you’re willing to make an unblinkered left turn from the right lane to get into the parking lot when you see a sign that says “BUFFET and CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!” Fuck lanes, you need a cascading dessert!
You love chocolate so much, you don’t even care what you eat it with and THAT’S where the brilliance of a chocolate fountain comes in. It's like Vegas in a dessert, anything goes and middle Americans love it.
At a normal restaurant you’re forced to select one form for your chocolate, be it cake, pudding, mouse or mole sauce (for the record, unsweetened cacao powder isn't as satisfying as chocolate, eating that instead of chocolate is like trying to get high off hemp products, so close yet not the same at all)- but with a Chocolate Fountain you don’t have to choose, because you can drape hot chocolate over anything!
Angel food cake? Sure!
Pre packaged Rice Krispie Treats that the restaurant manager cut up with the office scissors into lil half squares? Done!
Marshmallows? HELL YEAH! Everyone loves a cold marshmallow with luke warm chocolate over it, it’s like a S’more but safer.
Fruit? OF COURSE! You’re at a buffet so go ahead and cut up bananas, oranges, even cantaloupe- cloak it! Why not? The disgusting people at EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS see no issue with it.
What NASCAR fan doesn't love fresh fruit?
Also, what's the deal with the back of the car? Does NASCAR have a low-rider truck division?
Get creative with it, go all Chocolat on your food, see what happens when you coat your custom made creation from the buffet's Omelette station in chocolate- see if, when you come to your senses two hours later, if the mere thought of it doesn’t make you dry heave.
Who doesn’t love waiting in line while you watch other people dip their food (and inadvertently their finger tips) in a cascading chocolate waterfall? I’m sure the chocolate is hot enough that it will kill whatever fecal matter is on their hands- oh it doesn’t? No biggie, nothing wrong with eating shit as long as it’s covered in CHOCOLATE!
(Chocolate and grapes? Are you kidding me? Do me a favor, grape- go sit out in the sun and come back when you're a goddamn raisin, then maybe we can talk) And what’s that split open alien egg pod, a papaya? You ever had a raw papaya? It’s disgusting- even your chocolate savior can't make it better. While you’re at it just stick a fucking fern frond under the chocolate, why not- you put everything else in it, you pig.
Everyone loves a chocolate fountain- you can tell by all the crap that’s been dropped into the moat at the bottom. Cake bits that fell off the toothpicks, toothpicks that fell out of cake bits, fruit halves that weren’t sturdy enough to withstand the chocolate’s weight, candy, crackers, bell peppers, taco shells, chicken wings- people love to get creative with a chocolate waterfall!
The other awesome thing about the chocolate fountain is that the hydraulic pump responsible for forcing the chocolate that has collected at the bottom back up through the top of the fountain to be recycled and born anew every few seconds. Like a disgusting chocolate covered Phoenix rising from the…chocolate. This way we make sure that all the flavor of the buffet items that accidentally fell into the chocolate swamp at the bottom are locked in and reused over and over.
What? What’s that you say? It’s not just the chocolate, it’s the experience of using the chocolate fountain that you enjoy? Of course. That's something that you and every eight year old have in common, you love to interact with your food. It’s food in motion! It could be a Children's Museum Exhibit! You can visit the Turtle Petting Tank, The Touching Glass (where you and other people just touch a giant piece of smudgy glass and get everyone's germs all over your hands) then not wash your hands at all and head to The Chocolate Waterfall where you can learn about how gravity effects dripping chocolate!
Why haven’t they made more food fountains? Why is there no gravy fountain (probably too sexual) or Ketchup fountain (probably because it looks like blood).
If you're the type of person that goes to a buffet AND loves a chocolate waterfall- then you obviously love to eat, so I say, let's skip the middle man. Fuck the fall- let's just have a guy at the end of the buffet that ladles chocolate sauce all over your plate.
The best part is the frenzy- the frenzy it creates at your cousin CHANTELLE'S WEDDING when she had a chocolate waterfall.
A chocolate water fall is the crown jewel of any dessert buffet. And they stick it at the end so you can say “Oh My God! They have a chocolate waterfall, but I’ve already loaded up my trough with inferior desserts. Oh well, maybe I’ll just dip one strawberry in it to get a taste"
AND OH WHAT A TASTE YOU’LL GET
Because chocolate fountains don't use just any chocolate chips for their melting. No, they use genetically engineered super cacao injected with MSG and HGH to ensure that once you eat the chocolate, you'll start to crave more and that grave will GROW.
You go back to your seat and try and eat the other desserts on your plate, but you keep glancing back at that chocolate fountain. It's as if with every falling chocolate wave, "glurp glurp", it says your name "glurp glurp" (Omg, so weird if you're name is Glurp). Sugar coursing through your veins, you get up and head to the buffet. You knock over three children en route but whatever, kids are annoying.
"Aunt Beard, are you okay?"
(oh, by the way, you're parents named you Beard) You ignore the concern of your family. You approach the chocolate fountain, the chocolate glistens as it gently falls. It's shiny because of the caramelized sugar's in the chocolate but also because the chocolate is made with plastic juice.
You go to grab a plate but they're out of plates!
That's because the dessert buffet has been over for 45 minutes but you never noticed because you've just been standing, in a trance, gazing at the chocolate fountain the whole time. You need to get creative, Beard! So you look for anything you can use as a plate! Grab a used plate? Saucer? None in sight. What's that? A place card? That's what you'll use! You grab your tiny place card, it reads "Aunt Beard- Table 8"- "Eight" how phonetically appropriate for what's about to happen. You take it over to the chocolate fountain. You look around, no one is paying attention to you because the best man is up giving his speech.
Now is your chance Beard, you can have all the chocolate in that fountain if you just keep calm! You grab a marshmallow, you run it through the fountain. "No point in putting it on your card/plate" you think "because I'm just gonna eat it" so you shove it in your mouth. Chewing fast, you look for more food to cover in chocolate. A wedge of spiky pineapple skin? A piece of apple that feel onto the floor? Yes, all of it! You drench each piece, rationalizing that each should be put directly in your mouth, because why waste the place card, you might wanna scrapbook with it later. (You've also said that about every door menu Semi personalized letter from Discover Card you've ever received. Good thing you keep all your papers in neat little piles all over your house. So what if you have so many you can't even clear a pathway to get to the bathroom anymore so you've been peeing in jars and sleeping in the laundry room?
You're not a hoarder, you're a collector. That's what you keep telling yourself.
You stuff the fruit parts into your mouth while chewing the marshmallow. You're a genius! You've made a pseudo Ambrosia Salad! My god you should be on Top Chef, ugh, if only the electricity company hadn't turned off your power!
"Aunt Beard? Where's Aunt Beard?"
You can hear your family calling you to come make a toast, but you ignore them. They didn't come to your house when you tried to legally marry your plants, why should you give a speech at their wedding? They don't see you back there by the buffet you're invincible- just keep eating- maybe they'll think you're in the bathroom. Ah, shit, you dripped chocolate onto your place card...
eat the place card
Do it, Beard. It's just paper and it is, after all, chocolate. Goooood, now swallow it, don't chew, that just further aerates the chocolate and it'll dilute the experience. Ok, now you have no plate, that's fine, you have hands don't you? Big meaty hands that father said were too large to model women's gloves- well they're certainly coming in "handy" now, aren't they? Use your gift, Beard. Use your meaty hands to hold all the food you can- gather it up! We've got watermelon rinds, cold beef fat, scrimp tails, lemon halves, kale- can you believe people just left this stuff on the buffet? Gather it up, quickly!
"Alright! Everyone to the dance floor for the Electric Slide!"
Uh oh, Beard, the Electric Slide, the dance that transcends racial dance boundaries. The bulk of the wedding album will be filled with action shots of relatives doing the Slide. For years to come, this will be how the happy couple looks back at memories of their Big Day. They'll say "There Uncle Trob and Aunt Mibb. There's Cousin Allen and his bitch wife Cynthia. Aw, look how thinAunt Ham used to be...Hey...where's Aunt Beard? Oh my gosh, is that her?" And they'll be looking at you, just as you are right now, looking back to the photographer, in the background of the dance floor- chocolate smeared on your face as you glancing over your shoulder, eyes squinting at his flash bulb, like a Mole coming up from the ground into the daylight.
But that's the future, and this is now.
That's a fountain of chocolate, not a fountain of youth- it's not gonna last forever. GET IN THERE! Forget your hands! Why would you use your hands when the chocolate can so easily be directly eaten by your mouth? Your hands are in the way, Aunt Beard, your hands are holding you back! DIVE! DIVE! Face into the fountain- your face is submerged! Augustus Gloop needs to get on your level!
"OH MY GOD! AUNT BEARD IS HAVING A STROKE!"
Yeah, a stroke of good luck! You've enveloped your entire tongue in chocolate, it's even in your tear ducts, why? BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE, YOUR EYES ARE WIDE OPEN! This! This is what you've been missing.
"Someone help her! She's drowning in 5 inches of chocolate!"
You feel the weight of the Securitas guard, tugging on your back- trying to pry you from the chocolate. You Mule-kick him in the shin, he goes down. You're not done eating! Three more guards (why is there so much security at this wedding?) descend upon you. They're just gonna throw it all out, Beard- all this chocolate is gonna go in the garbage unless you save it. Save it Beard, save it! Save it with your mouth!
they shout, but you've already helped yourself, haven't you?
That's right, two and a half pounds of HGH Chocolate is now living in your stomach- you bring your face up- on your own accordance, you'll later tell the judge, not because it was physically forced up by three grown men. Except your eyeballs and teeth, your face is covered in chocolate. You look...racist.
"Aunt Beard, what happened?"
You can't answer, for two reasons.
One, you're blissfully unaware of anyone, you're the happiest you've ever been. The reason you're blissfully unaware of anyone is because you can't hear anyone. You ate so much chocolate so fast that diabetes has actually already set in and done long term damage in a short amount of time- basically, you've gone blind and can't hear- also, your left foot fell clean off.
"Someone get her to a hospital"
you're told they said.
You don't remember the ride to the ER or the medical exams. You don't remember the psych exam or your relatives committing you. You don't remember the foreclosure on your house, or the repossession of all your ferns. You don't remember how you got to this room, or how you got in this state issued hospital gown. All you remember is the chocolate fountain, and the last beautiful sound you ever heard "Glup, glurp".
Because you love chocolate, don't ya?