TUNIC or not TUNIC- that is the question
TUNICS. ugh.
All too often, it seems that items are made with no regard for who's actually gonna wear them. It's as if designers just throw sleeves together and think "fuck it, someone will be able pull it off". I'm not inventive when it comes to fashion and really, you can't afford to be either unless you're:
- a first year FIT student
- gay
or
- really thin. Really really really thin. The kind of thin that makes other women say that they're concerned for you but really they're just jealous.
When normal, middle class people try and get crazy with their look, they just look like Jr Managers at Forever 21 who were encouraged to "get creative with your looks- show off the merchandise- make it your own!" (PS- fingerless fishnet gloves are for Ke$ha, they weren't meant for the masses or the 35 year old pairing them with a fedora, wallet chain and fitted vest for her big self released pop album cover photo shoot. Oh, you're performing at Wish Ultra Lounge on tuesday night? Just email Kayla for the VIP tix? Sweet! XOXOXOXO!!! 
)
)Look at the mannequinn, see how she's wearing the outfit, then copy it. Don't fuck around. When it comes to fashion, having a good body isn't enough. You have to be 89 lbs or incredibly fat for anything to make sense- nothing is made for the inbetweeners. NOTHING! So many things are just so horribly made, it takes an interview with the garment to figure out if it's gonna work.
When I pick up an article of clothing, after I go through my girl checklist:
Is this color gonna make me vomit?
Will this color, on me, look like it just made me vomit?
Does it make me look pregnant?
Does it make me look like I wanna get pregnant?
Are black guys gonna look at my butt?
Will I look like a lesbian who manages an animal rescue center?
Does it cover up my boobs too much but make my shoulders look husky?
Does it show my ugly bra straps?
Is it hurting my vagina?
Does it make my legs look haunchy?
Am I too old for a tube dress?
Am I too young for a pant suit?
Do I look like a waiter?
Does it make my hair look thin?
When I bend over, can you see my thong? No? How bout now?
So let's say all the questions are answered and I'm still holding onto said garment (the other option it being hung up inside out/slanted on a hanger, fuck it- I don't work here)- I love it. It's cute, it's fun. I'm already envisioning the hot vacation I'm gonna take in this garment- nay, BECAUSE of this garment, NAY-NAY! In HONOR of this garment! I'm gonna wear it to a beach in Brazil and I'm gonna wear a silk headscarf and be tan and wear cork wedges and be on a yacht and my hair won't frizz and get stringy in the ocean water and leave me looking like a hot Gene Wilder and I won't eat too much and get so tired I miss drinks on the Lido deck and I'm gonna wear THIS GARMENT. Now the only question is...WHAT IS IT!? I went through trying it on and loving it- I went through all that and I still have no fucking clue just HOW to wear it because I don't know what it is. Answer?
IT'S A TUNIC. What's a tunic? It doesn't even know. It's like a THNEED
You know what thin girls call tunics? Dresses.
You know what your fat cousins calls tunics? Tops.
The saleslady says "you could wear it like, over leggings- that's what I do" TRANSLATION "I'm too fat to wear that as a dress, but it would look weird with jeans, so I wear leggings so it's still kind of like wearing a dress but without the risk"
Here's an example of me, in a tunic with no bottoms, with leggings and with pants- the final frontier. You'll note none are particularly flattering.
TUNIC:
TUNIC WITH LEGGINGS: Note how hot it is to see the waistband of pants through a shirt
TUNIC WITH PANTS: again, with the hiding wasteband
Is that what the designer intended?
Taking a cue from the brilliant monologue Meryl Streep delivered in The Devil Wears Prada when she schools Anne Hathaway on how the "stuff" she is wearing started out as high fashion concepts at various haute couture houses and then trickled it's way down into the form of the bargain bin blue sweater she is wearing. I don't think any designer is sitting in their SoHo loft thinking "I've spent months developing this look- the colors, the beadwork, the stitching- I even got a callback for Project Runway- I hope some shitty designer can interpret this later and pair it with leggings. GOD THAT WOULD BE BRILLIANT! Leggings! So hip! So haute! I only wish I could do that!
Don't believe me? This is what they want you to wear-
Notice how the tunic offers the coverage of a tiny hospital gown but the comfort of a parachute? What if you wanna bend down? Well you can't- because girls who wear tunics don't bend..for anyone. (what?)
As much as I think people need to get in shape to make outfits work for them, this one's on the designers- no one wants a hybrid outfit. Pick an article of clothing and stick with it...Tunic...ugh, I'd like tu-nic you in the neck with a butter knife.
Really funny...but what model toaster did you use to take those pics?
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This is brillaint. You need to do another stand up special.
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I just bought a tunic sweater and am so short it makes an appropriate dress, just barely but it works, if i bend over slightly it doesn't show my but when i sit it doesn't show my vag. But I only 5' tall, on my friend it was a full one shirt.
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I think you look just fine in the top pick, and leggings of the same colour would be fine also. Jeans...not so much. But I'm just a guy, what do I know?
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Really now, be honest, the true goal is to have it end up in a crumpled ball on the floor next to the bed? Am I correct?
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From looking at the pix, I think you might've missed the obvious - apparently the thing works only if you wear it with heels. No doubt, that's the the designer intended...
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Art, as far as it is able, follows nature, as a pupil imitates his master; thus your art must be, as it were, God's grandchild. ~Dante Alighieri, Inferno
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You're such an asshole in the 2nd pic! ;D
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Some really good cloths in Camden if that helps
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